Love Hard Laugh Harder

When does it feel real? This question has haunted me for at least half of my life. I remember reading oodles of books as a kid and watching classic TV shows like Growing Pains, Saved by the Bell, Just the Ten of Us, Family Matters, or Beverly Hills 90210. The books, TV shows, and even movies, made being a teenager seem like serious business! 

As I went to middle and then high school, I waited for life to feel that exciting or heavy. (Remember Jordan Catalano and Angela Chase in My So-Called Life?) Where were the wild teenage parties? Where were the kids offering me drugs and alcohol that everyone warned me about? When was I going to go from ugly duckling to swan, date the quarterback, and be a homecoming queen? 

All of it just felt normal and mostly easy. In middle school, I tried desperately to fit in and be popular but that was not in the cards for me. I was bullied a bit and called out for pretending to know things I did not. 

While my peers were listening to Smashing Pumpkins, Green Day, and the like, I went through a Barbra Streisand obsession. What can I say? I was a weird kid. I remember being at the bus stop one morning with some neighbor kids and one of the boys asked if I was down with “the chronic,” which I assumed to be a band I was not familiar with. I exclaimed, “Oh yeah, I love them!” To the laughter of the other kids. Apparently, “the chronic” was another term for marijuana. Busted.

Another time, I was in 7th grade science class and some kids I had known since kindergarten were calling my name. I looked over and a cute new boy asked me, “Are you a dyke?” I drew a blank, I had no idea what he was asking. The girls I had known from grade school were telling me, “Say yes! Say yes!” While they giggled and nodded at me. I don’t remember how or if I answered but they were all amused, and as usual, I was on the outside of the joke.

High school was rather unremarkable. I wasn’t set up or teased the way I had been in middle school but it was a letdown all the same. I did fulfill my childhood dream of being a cheerleader for one season of boys’ basketball. I remember when I told one of my bosses at my fast food job that I’d need to adjust my work hours a bit to accommodate cheerleading. She laughed in my face and uttered, “They must have been hard up,” which was a real confidence boost. 

I never dated in high school, which meant I missed out on my great love story like Dylan and Brenda had in 90210 or Zach and Kelly in Saved by the Bell. There were boys I liked but they never seemed to like me back. The timing was always off. I wasn’t too upset as the chances of high school sweethearts making it past high school seemed unlikely.

After high school, as an adult, I was sure life would start to feel real! I went into management at my fast food job and took college classes at the local community college. Heck, I even had a car loan in my last year of high school and a credit card. This had to mean I was an adult and life was real, right? Except, I was envious of my friends who went away to college and seemed to be having the time of their lives. They were making friends, living in dorms, and had freedom I could only dream of.

I was living at home, working full time, taking on more and more responsibility at work, taking classes, and making good grades. It still felt too easy. None of it had that shine or depth I’d seen on TV or read about in books. My life didn’t measure up to the Sweet Valley High Twins version of high school or college. There were no cute boys in sports cars lining up to take me out. I didn’t have an apartment of my own. I still shared a room with one of my younger sisters.

As time went on, I was promoted and ran a location of my own with the franchise I was with. I knew at that point in my life, I was at a major crossroads. I was making more money than a 21-year-old should be making. I was on the verge of getting my own apartment but I knew if I did, I’d be tied to that job. Despite the level of responsibility I had, it still didn’t feel real. I felt like I was still waiting for real life to begin.

Thankfully, I left the money and the job, to put my energy back into school. In the years that followed I went from food service to working retail in the beauty industry, to getting my cosmetology license, and doing hair for a time. I also fell in love and was making plans for a future with my boyfriend. I suppose, for a while, life felt real. We were planning kids and where we would live and I was hitting all the checkboxes life tells a woman we need to achieve- love, marriage, a home, kids. Then it fell apart.

After my relationship had fallen apart and jumping from salon to salon had left me in need of making more money, I ended up on the path into tech. I left the beauty industry behind for something newer and shinier. Still, at the age of 27, I did not feel like a real adult, the way I had viewed 27-year-olds when I was 18 or 19, or even 20. I felt like a fraud and a mess. I was working for a very successful company, learning a lot, helping people, and earning good money, and I felt the same as I did in high school.

Through the years, I’ve fallen in love once, been on a bazillion first dates, experienced heartache and disappointment more times than I’d like to count, switched industries three times, and held ten different jobs. I’ve made friends, lost friends, lost family members. Dealt with some health issues, been to therapy, and bought a house, and through it all it doesn’t feel like I expected it to. 

Real life rarely feels as extreme or dramatic as it has been portrayed. I suppose that’s a blessing and a slight disappointment. The bright side of it is, that even the hard stuff, the bring you to your knees kind of grief, isn’t as all-encompassing as fiction makes us think it is. Sure it may feel that way for a time but humans are resilient, and we move forward. It’s disappointing that maybe the highs aren’t quite as high either but life happens in the in-between. I’m not sure life has ever started to feel real in the way I expected it to. Maybe, one day, I realized life just is and that’s ok.