Love Hard Laugh Harder

Tonight, I went for a rare solo walk and found my mind wandering. It drifted through the “what if’s? I sometimes ponder. I suspect it is only natural to consider the path not taken in life. While I do not have many regrets, I wonder if I had zigged instead of zagged in different areas of my life. Where would I have ended up? Would I be similar to who I am now? Or would my life be completely different?

If I hadn’t been so stubborn, had I toured the university I was accepted to that my mother refused to go with me for, would I have ended up there? Would I have gotten a four-year degree? Would I have met the love of my life during my time there, gotten married young, and had kids? Would I be a teacher now, as I had tentatively planned to be? If I had gone down that road, would I still be teaching? Or, with the current state of the educational system, would I have been torn up, spit out, and emotionally bled dry?

Or, if I had stayed local but not gone into management at the fast food place. Suppose I hadn’t been so desperate to succeed and desperate for approval? How would my life be different? Instead, I buried myself in work and was bored to tears with my classes, but work was one of my few safe spaces outside of home and family at that time. 

What if I had stuck with doing hair and kept to the original plan? Worked part-time in retail for guaranteed income and part-time in an independent salon. Would I have built up the clientele I had dreamed of? Would I have gotten to tell my dad he was wrong? There could be money in the beauty industry without owning a salon? 

What if the friendships I had poured myself into, at my own expense, hadn’t ended without explanation? Would that have kept me trapped in an old life and prevented me from the leaps and changes that have led to where I am now? Or would they have grown with me and seen me through life’s twists and turns? 

It’s funny to start considering the different choices one could have made. There will always be questions, no matter how content we may be. I know that the life I live and the one I imagined when I was younger are very different, and for that, I am grateful. 

The life I imagined always felt tumultuous, probably a symptom of my undiagnosed anxiety. Even my fantasies for my life did not feel secure. I couldn’t fathom the level of peace I have in my soul now. Or the connections I’ve formed with amazing friends. I couldn’t have guessed what adult life would be like with my three younger sisters. Or the closeness I have with our family. I always imagined I’d be a mom but didn’t stop to think about how amazing it would be to be an aunt.

While many paths may not have been taken, I’m most thankful for the one I took, for it has led me here.