Love Hard Laugh Harder

If I am being transparent, I’m in a funk. I’m in a downward mental spiral that started last weekend, let up a little, and is now back in full force. It’s fueled by hormones, which only seem to get worse with perimenopause. It’s been intensified by the fact that I’ve had a lot thrown at me lately, between work and personal matters, which leaves me feeling overwhelmed and responsible for far too many people and tasks.

The worst feeling, the thought echoing in my mind, is that I do not matter. I’m here to serve others and make their lives easier, and I, as a person with needs and wants of my own, am an inconvenience.

I feel like I am drowning, trying to be the one-woman show who keeps it all afloat. I am tired. I am so tired of plastering a smile on my face, being loving and supportive to everyone in my life, and feeling like no one is coming to save me.

In reality? There are people who would help me if I asked. Therein lies the rub. I refuse to ask.

Is my life really this dark and lonely? No, not at all. Is it this way in my head right now? Absolutely. I’ll probably get back in touch with my therapist and go for a little tune-up, but I can already imagine the conversations now.

“You have a right to ask for what you need. You matter. Your needs matter.”

Except… I also know how the conversations would go, asking for my needs to be considered. It doesn’t seem worth the effort to rock the boat. We must accept certain relationship dynamics for what they are and move along. We all have our roles to play in life.

I will be ok, and I’ll get through it. But for now, I am in a funk, and for the sake of being transparent, I’m owning it. No one’s life is sunshine and rainbows all of the time.