Exhaustion

Life has become an exercise in exhaustion. Mental, emotional, sometimes physical. It seems to me when a certain mango colored swindler announced he was running for President, over a decade ago now, it’s like the world split off into a different time line. We are in the bad place.

A decade later and the United States do not feel very united at all. It’s Blue versus Red. It’s hard to fathom the world we currently live in. Granted, I was naive as a kid and young adult. I thought things like racism were mostly over. At the time I did not know my privilege.

Thankfully I have had life experiences that opened my eyes and helped me to recognize that the way I walk through this world is not the same as it is for people of color, or those in the LGBTQ+ rainbow. It’s led me to advocate for others and to vote accordingly.

Despite having this awareness, until Mango Mussolini (I cannot take credit for this- Luvvie Ajayi Jones gave him this moniker. If you don’t know her, look her up), I did not realize how much hate there is in people’s hearts.I thought it was more isolated to fringe groups, the uneducated, the extremely insulated who don’t have contact with anyone but people who look and think exactly like them.

I did not realize that for so many “good” people, hate, racism, rape, cruelty, bigotry, and even child sex abuse were not deal breakers. If you wrap it in the Bible and the flag, andgive people a scapegoat, they’ll believe anything it seems.

The disconnect is mind-boggling and sometimes I can barely get out of bed. If I don’t have plans or somewhere to be, there’s a part of me that feels like what’s the point? Just be a blob and avoid it all. I’m tired of reading the news, or seeing it on social media. I’m tired of the circus we live in. I’m sick of so much incompetence that is putting us all into a downward spiral unless you are in a certain tax bracket.

I’m tired of smiling at people I know support the cruelty that is happening in the world. Those who say “Just come here legally,” and don’t seem to be aware that ICE is grabbing people at the courthouses- the ones doing it legally. The people who scream “protect the children” but are not fighting for the full release of the Epstein files. Nor do they seem to be bothered that the man they voted for appears in the files more than 38,000 times. They don’t care that young girls who have been in ICE Custody for 5 months are 3 months pregnant. Which means either there are a lot of cases of immaculate conception happening OR more likely, ICE officials are raping little girls.

I am exhausted and frustrated and just want to scream until I collapse. I find myself being very cautious when I meet anyone new, trying to feel out where they stand because at this point I do not have the compassion or grace to let more Trump supporters into my life. I’m maxed out on forgiveness or tolerance at this point.

On top of all the mental and emotional turmoil current events have caused, there’s the pressure to eat well, move my body, be healthy, etc. HOW? Who has the energy or mental bandwidth left for good choices such as those. Who wants to eat a salad when nachos exist or pizza or ice cream?

Not to mention working 40 hours a week is such a scam. It takes up most of our time and then in the little that is left we are supposed to cook, exercise, clean, maintain family and social ties, sleep 8 hours a night, and pursue hobbies and passions? The math isn’t mathing for me.

I’m just not sure how to move forward when it feels like the world is falling apart. I’m exhausted but I’ll hold onto my great Aunt Mickey’s mantra, “one day at a time.”